"Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
‘Cause I’m not fine at all

And the dreams you left behind you didn’t need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape

'Cause I'm not fine at all”


I really want to tell him everything I’ve been thinking about and how I feel, but I know that it won’t change anything.. What I want doesn’t really matter if it’s not meant to be. I feel like I always fuck everything up and make him not want to have anything to do with me. I miss him and I just want things to work out for right now, for things to not be so weird…


I thought that I was okay. I thought that I could be strong and get through this no problem. I was wrong.. Today someone at work made a comment about how it seems like I lost someone very special.. I told him that I know I did and I couldn’t help but tear up.
I know that the future might not hold a place for us together in that way, but I sure as hell don’t want to screw up the friendship that we do still have, that we’ve always had. He is the most amazing person and I sure wish he could see it. I don’t know what the future holds or what is in store for each of us, but I hope that it’s possible to keep in touch. I can’t imagine completely losing contact with someone so special.


Nights like tonight are when I really need you here. A text or a phone call just won’t do it. I need to talk to you here, in person. These kinds of situations would be a lot easier to deal with if you didn’t live so far away. I can’t do this alone. I need you…

trying to be positive… 07/16/14

It would be so great if things could just go right for once in my life… Can I just have one good day? I’m working really hard to be positive about things and to just let things go instead of letting them bother me. Everything was going great, but like usual something had to happen to fuck it all up.
I purposely only let a few certain people into my life to know the real me and what’s actually going on in my life.. So I can’t stand it when people have to stick their nose in my business. Who are you to question my motives or anything in my life? It’s none of your damn business.
Sometimes I wish that things were easier and more simple… But then I don’t think that I would appreciate the little things as much. Maybe this is how things are meant to be.. Maybe things will turn out for the better in the end.

tired thoughts… 07/02/14

I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions. I’m not angry, I’m just sad… I don’t know what to do. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing anymore. Have I ever done anything right? Ever? Or am I just noticing now because I keep being told over and over again about the things I do wrong? It hurts me that I constantly fuck things up.. I can’t imagine how other people feel. I just want to be better; prettier, healthier, smarter, more fun, nicer, more talkative, easier to be around… But I’m not. I’m trying really hard to get better at these things, but I guess the fact that I’m trying doesn’t matter. I’m never good enough. For anyone.

*like Squidward curled up on the floor* “Fuuttuurreeeeee”… 06/30/14

Honestly, I am completely terrified for what the future has in store for me… What if I flunk out of college or don’t get a good job? What if things don’t work out with him and I end up alone? What if I never meet anyone else that treats me as well as he does? All of these what ifs scare me… I wish I could know how things are going to turn out, just for some peace of mind. But I’m never going to have that. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. Everything is unpredictable and life is short. Some assurance that things are going to be okay would be great, but the only person that can give me that is moving farther away.. And that makes things even more unpredictable. I’m so afraid of change and not having the things I want..