tired thoughts… 07/02/14

I feel like I’m drowning in my emotions. I’m not angry, I’m just sad… I don’t know what to do. Nothing I do seems to be the right thing anymore. Have I ever done anything right? Ever? Or am I just noticing now because I keep being told over and over again about the things I do wrong? It hurts me that I constantly fuck things up.. I can’t imagine how other people feel. I just want to be better; prettier, healthier, smarter, more fun, nicer, more talkative, easier to be around… But I’m not. I’m trying really hard to get better at these things, but I guess the fact that I’m trying doesn’t matter. I’m never good enough. For anyone.

*like Squidward curled up on the floor* “Fuuttuurreeeeee”… 06/30/14

Honestly, I am completely terrified for what the future has in store for me… What if I flunk out of college or don’t get a good job? What if things don’t work out with him and I end up alone? What if I never meet anyone else that treats me as well as he does? All of these what ifs scare me… I wish I could know how things are going to turn out, just for some peace of mind. But I’m never going to have that. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. Everything is unpredictable and life is short. Some assurance that things are going to be okay would be great, but the only person that can give me that is moving farther away.. And that makes things even more unpredictable. I’m so afraid of change and not having the things I want..

fast forward to the good stuff… 06/27/14

I can’t wait to do the simple things with him… Like: sit around playing video games, go to a movie, cook together… Those kinds of things. I want to be able to walk around, hand in hand, and show him off. I want to be able to show people how proud I am of him and how amazing he is. I don’t need any grand gestures or anything like that, I just want the little things. I am so excited to be able to enjoy spending time and doing things with him. The wait will make it that much more worth it.

this love… 06/23/14

I know that it frustrates me when he does it, but I am so so so thankful that he just tells me the truth. He doesn’t sugarcoat anything to make me feel better. If he didn’t give me the straight shit, I know that nothing would change. I want to work to become a better person. To be healthy, active, loving, and kind. I need to make some changes and it’s so much easier with his help. I am looking forward to a future with him; with some tough moments like these, but many more moments of love and kindness.

baby stay with me, tonight don’t leave me alone… 06/22/14

I know that I’m a lot to handle, so I don’t know how he does it… Honestly, I don’t know why he’s with me or how he’s been with me this long. I hate myself sometimes.. I mean, it’s like I’ve turned into a complete bitch (or so I’ve been told). What happened to the happy and carefree me? I don’t want to be so cold and condescending. I want to be kind and loving. Even when I’m at my worst, he’s there for me. I appreciate all that he does so much and I’m trying to show him that more. I love him and I would be completely lost without him. He is the only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart.